I think I'm going to die

I think I'm going to die.  Everybodys going to die, but I'd like to speed up the process.

My job sucks.  I don't really do anything that is productive.  My boss gives me things to do, then he does does them himself... in order to "double check"... and if my results are different, then I am wrong.  Which makes me feel like a third wheel.

I was thinking of looking for a different job.  I got an interview, actually.  We had a phone interview.  It went well.  Then we had an in-person interview over lunch.  Apparently it went well, so they invited me in for a day-long interview.  I'd be able to visit the labs for the group and discuss what sorts of projects they'd be working on.  Unfortunately, they also asked me to do a short presentation.  I had it figured out, what I would say.  I'd talk about my dissertation in which I simulated a clay using all-atom molecular dynamics.  Then I was thinking about using a similar set of simulations to look at this clay absorbing soil pollutants.  People are always looking at interesting ways to remediate pollution, and this would be one thing that no one as done before... using computer models, anyway.  You can look at changes in pressure or temperature for the clay to be used in a filter, or what not....

Anyway, shortly before the last interview I got really nervous.  What if I screw up?  My ability to communicate has greatly improved, but under stress I get easily confused or have difficulty finding words.  So, I called it off.  I told I got an offer for a different job and thanked them for the opportunity.  I knew I'd feel lousy about it after, and now I do.

I've been sort of self-medicating by taking piracetam.  Europe uses piracetam to treat the patients recovering from stroke.  It's supposed to help with memory, cognition and speech.  In the US, piracetam is not approved by the FDA.  So, I've been taking it myself.  You can buy it online.  They give you a bottle with these 800mg pills.  The typical dose in Europe starts at 4.9g per day broken up into 3 doses spaced 8 hours apart.  I only take 2 pills a day, until recently. I've upped my dosage to 3 pills a day (half of the usual dosage in Europe).  I'm a little bit scared because my doctor put me on a prescription for Plavix and aspirin, which are both blood thinners.  Piracetam is also a blood thinner, so I'm a little bit worried.   Gotta play it smart, but I also need to get back to where I was before.  Build up my self-confidence and improve my cognition..... or I bleed to death.  monitoring effects of stomach bleeding or hemorrhage, and if I bleed into the brain then ... well it was a good run.