Depression

Over the last few weeks, I've been having serious issues with depression. Some days, I'll be feeling fine, and suddenly I'll suddenly be depressed again. The sky in my mind, apparently, is partly cloudy, and there are moments of intense sunshine followed by gloominess.

I've even been thinking about suicide.... I won't, of course. My family would be sad to see me go, and I wouldn't want them to deal with it, but I do think about it. Before the stroke, I always thought that suicide was for people who didn't see what all they had to give to life.... That they still had something to share, if they just took a step back to see how exciting and wonderful life is... Then they wouldn't want to kill themselves. Budd Dwyer was a politician who was going to jail for some corruption charges. He killed himself rather than go to jail. He left his wife and kids behind. Sad. Not for him, but for his family. If he just went to jail for a bit, he'd be out on good behavior and everything would be fine. It's a failure to see the big picture.

For me, it's different. After the stroke, part of my brain is dead. I won't get it back. And now, you have to think about all the things you could have done but now can't. Much of what you've focused all your energies and attention towards is now gone.... So, yeah, suicide occupies my thoughts a bit. As I said before, I won't, but it's always there.

And I don't see it as a pussy way out of life, either. I person's life is their own to live, and if someone wants to end it prematurely, let them do it. Who are we to judge?

Che Guevarra had terrible asthma, throughout his life. Sometimes, he had such severe asthma attacks that he couldn't even talk. Particularly bad during his guerrilla warfare. I wonder he chose his life as a guerrilla fighter as a means to an end... a sort of suicide. "I have this debilitating asthma, but I don't really want to kill myself either. Maybe I can live a life in which I am already dead... where I could go at any minute, and me remembered as someone who died to preserve other people freedoms." Maybe something like that. I dunno... What was I talking about again?

Anyway, I need to figure out what I want to do with my life... Toss out what is left behind. Chart a new course. Something where what brains I have left can be put to good use.