Fall of the Soviet Union

Soviet-Afghan war, along with the rest of the Soviet Union's defense budget, pretty much destroyed the country.  Gorbachev finally pulled the USSR out of Afghanistan a couple of years before the USSR finally collapsed.  Also, Gorbachev declassified a number of documents which exposed corruption in the government. The hard liners knew that the end was near and tried in a desperate attempt, to overthrow Gorbachev.  People resisted, and the end followed quickly thereafter.

Now, we have been in Afghanistan for quite some time.  The "hard-liners" believe that we are "overspending" (though they won't necessarily say that it is from a hyper-inflated defense budget and two wars that won't end). Many of the Tea Partier's say that we are in sovereign debt beyond any hope of being able to repay.  And now the people are coming out and protesting in something like 80 cities through out the country, saying they've had enough of the way that capitalism is being administered in this country.  Think we're near the end?  How did the normal citizenry feel the day before the USSR collapsed?  Did they feel like their country would last for ever, right up until the day that it wasn't?

I wish I could do that when I am your age

Do you ever realize how "passive aggressive" phrases that end in "... when I'm your age!"  It's like, "what you just did means nothing to me, except that you did it when you're excruciatingly old."  I was watching "Oddities" on the Science Channel, and one of the hosts said something like that when an 80-something contortionist twisted herself into a pretzel.  I couldn't do it in my current age... in fact, I could never do it.

I think I'm going to die

I think I'm going to die.  Everybodys going to die, but I'd like to speed up the process.

My job sucks.  I don't really do anything that is productive.  My boss gives me things to do, then he does does them himself... in order to "double check"... and if my results are different, then I am wrong.  Which makes me feel like a third wheel.

I was thinking of looking for a different job.  I got an interview, actually.  We had a phone interview.  It went well.  Then we had an in-person interview over lunch.  Apparently it went well, so they invited me in for a day-long interview.  I'd be able to visit the labs for the group and discuss what sorts of projects they'd be working on.  Unfortunately, they also asked me to do a short presentation.  I had it figured out, what I would say.  I'd talk about my dissertation in which I simulated a clay using all-atom molecular dynamics.  Then I was thinking about using a similar set of simulations to look at this clay absorbing soil pollutants.  People are always looking at interesting ways to remediate pollution, and this would be one thing that no one as done before... using computer models, anyway.  You can look at changes in pressure or temperature for the clay to be used in a filter, or what not....

Anyway, shortly before the last interview I got really nervous.  What if I screw up?  My ability to communicate has greatly improved, but under stress I get easily confused or have difficulty finding words.  So, I called it off.  I told I got an offer for a different job and thanked them for the opportunity.  I knew I'd feel lousy about it after, and now I do.

I've been sort of self-medicating by taking piracetam.  Europe uses piracetam to treat the patients recovering from stroke.  It's supposed to help with memory, cognition and speech.  In the US, piracetam is not approved by the FDA.  So, I've been taking it myself.  You can buy it online.  They give you a bottle with these 800mg pills.  The typical dose in Europe starts at 4.9g per day broken up into 3 doses spaced 8 hours apart.  I only take 2 pills a day, until recently. I've upped my dosage to 3 pills a day (half of the usual dosage in Europe).  I'm a little bit scared because my doctor put me on a prescription for Plavix and aspirin, which are both blood thinners.  Piracetam is also a blood thinner, so I'm a little bit worried.   Gotta play it smart, but I also need to get back to where I was before.  Build up my self-confidence and improve my cognition..... or I bleed to death.  monitoring effects of stomach bleeding or hemorrhage, and if I bleed into the brain then ... well it was a good run.

I Took a Neuropsychology Test a While Ago

I took a "Neuropsychological" test a couple weeks ago, and just got the results back.... Well, I met with the neuropsychologist who I THOUGHT was going to give me the results. Instead I got this:

Fake doctor (because psychologists aren't real doctors): Well, you're a really smart man, and I'm sure you'll be back to nearly full capacity again. 


 Me: Well, I got a doctorate in a natural science, so the diploma sorta told me that already... 


 FD: Yes. I would say, based on your results you are probably 80-90% of what you used to be. 


 Me: How did you determine that? 


 FD: A number of factors. 


 Me: Such as? 


 FD: Well, there's a lot of technical jargon. I'd hate to bore you. 


 Me: So, I got an IQ result out of this? 


 FD: Yeah, but it's based on a number of factors... 


 Me: Can I see the results? 


 FD (turning to the side and shuffling his notes, never making eye contact): Well, like I say with all my patients [fuck this guy!], everyone as the right to access their medical records, but I would advise against it. Its a report about how bad your brain has been damaged. And there's a lot of technical jargon. Also, I don't write very well..... 


 Me: (I should have said that I had a stroke and am dealing with the brain damage now, so the report is secondary... and who the fuck cares how bad his writing is.. unfortunately, I didn't) OK. What sort of factors did I do poorly on? 


 FD: Well, some of what you messed up on had to do with language, and your language and communication is improving, so you're only going to get better. Your spatial reasoning is well above average.....You're like a marathon runner who has a sprained ankle. 


 Me: Ok.....


 FD: You need to be extra careful now. You need to take good care of your body. 


 Me: Yeah, well I'm doing ok. I get fatigued sometimes, but it's getting better. 


 FD: You shouldn't feel discouraged. Don't get depressed. 


 Me: Hmmm. OK. 


 FD: No, really. Don't get depressed. 


 Me: I won't. 


 FD: You're like the poster boy of stroke recovery. 


 Me: Yeah, everyone wants to be like me. 


 FD: I mean... Not like that... 


 Me: No, not really... Now, I'm depressed. 


 FD: Sorry. 


 Me: Anyway, are we done? I need to go back to work.... 


 FD: Take it easy with work. Don't push yourself to hard. 


 Me: What would happen if I did? Will it damage my brain? 


 FD: No, but if might make you depressed. 


 Me: (This guy is making me depressed). Well, ok. 

So, yeah. I didn't actually get the results from the test. It took me all day to complete the test, and I can't see what the results were. Psychology is a fake science... I'm requesting the results from my hospital's department of records.

Depression

Over the last few weeks, I've been having serious issues with depression. Some days, I'll be feeling fine, and suddenly I'll suddenly be depressed again. The sky in my mind, apparently, is partly cloudy, and there are moments of intense sunshine followed by gloominess.

I've even been thinking about suicide.... I won't, of course. My family would be sad to see me go, and I wouldn't want them to deal with it, but I do think about it. Before the stroke, I always thought that suicide was for people who didn't see what all they had to give to life.... That they still had something to share, if they just took a step back to see how exciting and wonderful life is... Then they wouldn't want to kill themselves. Budd Dwyer was a politician who was going to jail for some corruption charges. He killed himself rather than go to jail. He left his wife and kids behind. Sad. Not for him, but for his family. If he just went to jail for a bit, he'd be out on good behavior and everything would be fine. It's a failure to see the big picture.

For me, it's different. After the stroke, part of my brain is dead. I won't get it back. And now, you have to think about all the things you could have done but now can't. Much of what you've focused all your energies and attention towards is now gone.... So, yeah, suicide occupies my thoughts a bit. As I said before, I won't, but it's always there.

And I don't see it as a pussy way out of life, either. I person's life is their own to live, and if someone wants to end it prematurely, let them do it. Who are we to judge?

Che Guevarra had terrible asthma, throughout his life. Sometimes, he had such severe asthma attacks that he couldn't even talk. Particularly bad during his guerrilla warfare. I wonder he chose his life as a guerrilla fighter as a means to an end... a sort of suicide. "I have this debilitating asthma, but I don't really want to kill myself either. Maybe I can live a life in which I am already dead... where I could go at any minute, and me remembered as someone who died to preserve other people freedoms." Maybe something like that. I dunno... What was I talking about again?

Anyway, I need to figure out what I want to do with my life... Toss out what is left behind. Chart a new course. Something where what brains I have left can be put to good use.

Drugs

One thing that most people in the United States have to suffer through after a stroke is surviving all the doctors that want to get money from you. I was placed on Aspirin, Plavix, Ritalin, Namenda, etc... Namenda is for people with Alzheimer's. I don't have Alzheimer's... That doctor didn't know shit. Most doctors don't know shit. They only doctor that did any good was the one who removed the clot in my brain. He threaded in a catheter fro my groin and navigated aorta up to my carotid artery and removed the clot. That's impressive. That saved my live. The rest of these doctors can suck my dick.

However, the doctor that saved my brain also prescribed Aspirin and Plavix. The warning label on Plavix says that you shouldn't take this medication with Aspirin... think about that. And then don't think about it anymore, because I'm still alive after taking these two incompatible drugs. That means that I am stronger that other people... I'm invincible.

I'm also prescribing my own drugs... I'm a doctor to (granted a PhD, but still...) I'm taking Piracetam. In other countries, Piracetam is used for stroke patients to quickly recover from a stroke. In the US, Piracetam is not approved by the FDA. So, I buy it through other sources. I might take some other drugs as well, but for now... look out for doctors. Get help from a doctor when you need to, and then get away from they as soon as possible!

London Riots

People have been rioting in London and other cities in the United Kingdom. Apparently, it all started when a man was shot four times by police.... some say the man was dragged from a taxi cab, restrained (handcuffed), made to lie on the ground and then shot.... Anyway, the riots arose from this incident.

The riots have been targeting local businesses in the ethnically diverse and discriminated against neighborhoods. They've been burning their own businesses, houses, etc... Far be it from me to say how a group of people want to carry out a riot, but... If you were to commandeer several public transport vehicles, fill them full of angry rioters and drive them up to the higher class neighborhoods, just imagine what sort of things you could do in there. As the old saying goes "Try not to shit where you eat."... or is it "live"? Don't shit where you live? Sounds better. And, in the end you'll have to rebuild the old neighborhood you've disintegrated once the rioting is done. Unless you actually wish to take away power and wealth from the upper classes.... in which case things will be quite different once your rioting is done...

But, like I said, far be it from be to provide advice. Let them do their thing.

The Two Party System

The United States is a two-party political system. The two parties are: The Capitalist Party (The Democrats) and the Republicans. The Democrats realize that the capitalistic system is flawed and are trying very hard to patch up the flaws to sustain the current capitalistic situation. This is why Wall Street bankers and businessmen donated huge amounts of money to the Democrats to maintain the system. The Democrats wish to maintain the welfare state which sustains the "reserve labor army" to fill in the labor gaps where and when needed. They also maintain the state capitalist order where banks and industrialists can never really go broke... "To big to Fail".

The Republican party is the Party of Discord. They make people think they are in the best interests of all sorts of people: Lower people, middle class people, business people, etc... In the end, they are nothing but an army of Discordia. They realize that the state has deep flaws. Rather than try to fix what's wrong, they wish to destroy it so that we can start over... a clean slate... Destroy the state....

Standard and Poor's downgraded the government of the United States from AAA to AA+, thanks in part to the debt debacle ... and me? I laugh at everything!

ALL HAIL ERIS!!!